Coming out

Just a quick round of news. The first Entry of the comic is almost complete. The donation drive for Entry 2 is still open so if you want to help make this next issue and have your original character cameo through the issue, now is the time! When this Entry concludes, we'll likely go on a short hiatus to get the next Entry ready and will likely slowly update as the funds filter in. The plan is to have the next issue in full color so funding will make the comic happen faster.

If you are coming here from one of the many dating sites, HI!

For those confused, the next Entry of the comic is focused on meeting someone from a dating application and hooking up. When I originally started this blog years ago, I wrote a review about the dating sites I was using. Since times have changed, I have made some new accounts to click around. I don't have too much free time at the moment so all I can really do is type at people and swipe. But that is a blog for another day!

As a bisexual, I've had to answer the question about why and when I knew I was attracted to women. It's something hard to pinpoint because it's something that I've lived for most of my life. When do most people realize that they find something attractive?

I remember having "boyfriends" when I was 5. My mom thought it was cute when talk turned to marriage hen I was running around after church on Sunday with a little boy that told her he was going to marry me. Back in that age of innocence where kissing was scandalous.

I always found certain women to be pretty. I idolized She-Ra and Jem and the Holograms. The cartoon heroines were beautiful, talented, bold... blonde. I didn't think much of it.

I found my dad's porn stash when I was 9 and I started watching it out of curiosity. I recognized that it wasn't real. I had friends at 8 that were talking about having sex with their boyfriends and... I had a "boyfriend" that was pressuring me to have sex with him. I told my mom how inappropriate it all was. We were too young. I had already experienced Sex-Ed in health class and I knew it was serious business, this sex stuff.

No, this isn't the part where I say I had sex when I was 9. I didn't. I knew I wasn't ready for it. I had faith, I was a "good" girl. Sex before marriage was a big no from my Sunday school teachings.  I wanted to wait. And I did.

I got horribly teased when other girls saw me reading comics and drawing the super heroines there. They accused me of being a lesbian but I didn't understand what they meant.

I was a tomboy and my dad teased me about my combat boots and being a lesbian all through high school.

I was conditioned to considered lesbianism as wrong. It was in the porn, it looked like it was fun. The women were attractive. The men in porn are hit and miss as attractive but the women. Fantasies are interesting. With pornography, you are meant as a male viewer to project yourself onto the male lead or was a bystander in the room during the lesbian scenes. I have heard of some guys talking about imagining themselves as the woman. My thoughts turned that way at times. I imagined myself in the place of the guy.

I had seen things like strap-ons in the hentai comics I found. Cherry and Bondage Fairies were big influences. And I considered their use as I got older.

When I was old enough to start having sex, I had considered myself straight. People kept telling me that being interested in girls was wrong. They keep telling it to me. I had friends that were lesbians and they seemed happy, normal people. My mom got horribly upset when she found out one of my friends was bisexual. There was a level of betrayal in her voice when she talked to me that seemed misplaced.

"You've shared the same bed as her!"

"And we slept. What's the big deal?"

At 23, I came out and told my father I was bisexual. I had to convince him that there was nothing wrong with me. That it was okay, that  I was the same person I ever was. But he thought it was a phase and put that declaration on a shelf somewhere.

Years later, I told my dad that I wanted to introduce him to my girlfriend. It was stanch denial. How could this be? I was straight? How could I be a lesbian if I've slept with guys? I had never slept with women before, right?

It felt good to confront him about it. I was bisexual. There was nothing wrong with me. I could love whomever I wanted and it was not a failing of parenting. I had always been attracted to other women but it wasn't until college that I got to experiment. My friends were supportive of me and I was accepted. It wasn't gross, it was just a thing. It's more than waking up one day and deciding to wear your hair a different way, it was just me.

A bit about jealousy

Update is up! Check out the newest page of the comic: http://kokoheartu.frillypink.com/comic/entry-1-rain-pg-4/

I wanted to talk a bit about jealousy today. Of my top 10 questions about the lifestyle, “How do you deal with jealousy?” is definitely one.

In polyamorous and even open relationships, jealousy can mean the end for a relationship. Academically, there are two distinct terms that are used regarding this particularly sensitive emotion - envy and jealousy. Envy is when you see someone else with someone that you feel you lack, be it an item, or positive trait or a person whose attention you desire. We covet what we don’t have. Jealousy is our gut feeling when we feel like what we have is being threatened. Someone wants your shiny because they want it and you want to keep it, protect it, and most times, you are willing to fight for it.

I have described fear as a serpent that coils around you and threatens to squeeze the life from you. To me, jealousy can also be that same serpent but ends up manifesting as a dragon. We fear we will lose someone we love to some valiant knight or supple young maiden. Sometimes, we would rather burn what we have than lose it someone else. Our fear of losing the thing we love often makes us hurt the object of our affection, and we lose it anyway.

And it makes us feel like shit. So how do we deal with it? How do we not feel jealous?

The short answer is that we don’t.

The long answer is that we address the things that make us feel like less worthy of retaining the love that we have and want.

Let’s cut out all of the bullshit.

Strip away the other people entirely. The person you think is a threat and even the person you love. Let’s just look at ourselves for a moment. No one can make you feel anyway that you don’t let them. So why do we feel this way?

This brings us back to envy. If you are afraid of losing someone to another person, why? If you come back with the answer that they are: younger, more attractive, or more affluent, then it means you are envious. The answer has more to do with you being insecure about yourself than anyone else, this feeling will not go away until you learn to love yourself.

Let’s go further. Do you trust that your relationship is strong enough to withstand the existence or presence of another person? If your answer is no, then you really should not be attempting polyamory or open or swinging. There has to be trust in your partner and faith in the strength of your relationship or else this will not work.

Jealousy is rooted in our fear and insecurities.

Fear comes in and tells us that we aren’t good enough, so we will lose everything we love. In the end that we will be alone. All of our hopes and dreams will be scattered like ashes on the wind.

It’s all a pile of bullshit, lies we nurse because we have been taught that we lose something by letting our partner have their freedom. Lies that tell us that by engaging in this sort of lifestyle that our relationships with our primary are not worthwhile or valuable because we are willing to do things apart from them.

In a normal monogamous relationship, do you do everything with that partner? I mean, everything? Do you both have exactly the same hobbies, interests, and friends? Do you fully engage in everything that they do? Is there some hour of the day that you aren’t with your partner?

Typically, people spend time apart even in a happy and fulfilling monogamous relationship. People have other friends, hobbies, and places of work. Being apart does not lessen the affection or devotion you have for your partner. Loving your family, children or friends does not diminish the love you have for your partner.

When I felt jealous or inadequate, I looked at myself and asked why? I found in myself that I was insecure about my looks. I felt like attention devoted to pursuing someone else was a threat to me. But I thought about it. Was it really? You have to invest time to have a relationship with anyone, especially a new one. When I realized that I was afraid of not getting the same quality time, we made it a point to not take out time together for granted and scheduled time for us as well as for other people.

We take our time together for granted since we love each other and live together. I found by talking we had different definitions of quality time that were only revealed because I talked to Shep about my insecurities. But once I did, I stopped feeling inadequate. I stopped feeling jealous for the most part. I have faith that at the end of the day my husband will always come home to me. It's been 17 years, I have not been disappointed yet. <3

So while those doubts may never go away, I don't have to let that fear, that doubt rule me or make my life hell. I acknowledge it and move on with my life. If I have a  question about how Shep is feeling about something or me, I ask. I can only work on the things that I can control. If I don't like my clothes, I can buy new ones. I feel out of shape, I can go do some push-ups or run. I can improve myself for myself. I can't do it for anyone but me. I have to love myself before anyone else can be expected to and even that is a developing process.

Return of Love.

It's been what feels like forever! Just a short update to get everyone back to speed. This project will be returning but slightly different. I'm partnering with a few friends to create Koko <3 U! In hentai comic format!

Check it out at http://kokoheartu.frillypink.com/ . Definitely Not Safe for work but click responsibly.

If you like to help fund the project to make comic pages materialize faster, then please follow the link and donate to the next issue.

Koko <3 U! Was originally a relationship blog talking about the trials and adventures of Kokoro and her others as they embarked on a journey to find polyamory love. As a comic, we'll still touch on that but some aspects will be more heavily altered.

In a sense, it'll be touch like Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden" with fantasies but there will be some dramatizations of some real life events. Just how much is truth and how much is fiction will be up to you to decide.

Names, descriptions and such will be altered to protect the not so innocent but I'd rather not be sued. Much <3! I'm excited to be back. Shep and I have so many stories to share. ;) Many thanks to my artistic partners at Pink Panties Productions for wanting to help me get this rolling. Stay tuned!

~ Koko

<3 You!