Fantasies

This week has been mentally exhausting for me. My hours have been shifting around so I haven't been sleeping well but it's made it harder to get my thoughts straight to settle down enough to properly write.  The comic gives me a chance to filter a specific narrative or concept into a visual form which is great but some of the memories that accompany certain scenes are hard to face again.

Tammy in this week's comic. Fantasy fulfillment?

http://kokoheartu.frillypink.com

I wrote last week about ending a relationship and on the comic blog I mentioned Dave and an abusive relationship. I haven't gotten the question about my decision to include it in the comic since it is an adult comic. It's porn, why include it at all if the business is presenting a sexual fantasy? It's storytelling but it's also a fragment of truth. It's a bit dark but I felt it was important to include, just like I felt it was important to describe the neglectful relationship preceding my marriage. I try to include an underlying truth in the narratives I create.

The stories I plan to tell in the comic have undercurrents of truth. You might have to truly know me to see what fragments of truth are glittering there under a patina of falsehood. It is a bit of fantasy fulfillment in the stories too. I want to present a narrative that is real. These people are real even if they aren't being fully presented as who they fully are.

It's why sexual fantasies are so powerful when executed correctly. You take a real thing and you take it a couple of steps too far and lose yourself in the untruth of it all. The things you wish had happened, that you want to be real. It can't be too far fetched, otherwise it's not a tangible fantasy.

For instance, a popular fantasy from my reading of Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden" and "Forbidden Flowers" is an attractive authority figure pulling the woman aside to talk to her or to punish her (a spanking usually) and then gets too into it. The authority figure is lost in his passion for her and they have powerfully liberating sex. Or you and a co-worker are alone in the office and you have sex on the conference table or over your desk. Things that are a) risky, 2) forbidden, and 3) are based on somewhat real encounters.

I'm sure there is more literature about power exchange and submission that could be had at another time. It's a mindset. It's just one set of fantasies out of a multitude of fantasies. Not every fantasy is realistic or feasible. Not every kink can be mutually shared by another. I for one, am not a fan of physical violence in sexual situations which means I am not a sadist or a masochist. But that's someone else's kink. Some people get off on verbal abuse, not this girl.

Engaging in something like that can be liberating for the fetishist. I have found in my own interactions that many of abuse survivors have these violent fantasies that help them take their power back from the indignities and horrors they suffered, because if it's too much, they can end the encounter. This isn't true for everyone but many people discount the therapeutic aspects of sex with someone you trust and love. But many people aren't comfortable with telling the person that they are in a sexual relationship in what they fantasize about.

There is a sense of shame that people feel when it comes to expressing their sexual fantasies. A tangible fear that they will be judged and rejected. So people turn outside of their loving relationships to get the validation and acceptance that they need. They cheat because they cannot be sexually fulfilled in their normal relationship. So how can you head this off? How do you get comfortable talking about these kinks?

Everything starts with a conversation. It can be small. "Hey, I would really like to try having sex in a new position." or "hey, can we have sex with me in a costume?" Little things to test the waters. Or "hey, I love having sex with you but I want to try something different how do you feel if we do X?"

If you never ask you will never know what your partner might be willing to do or the heights of awesome sex you might be missing out on. =)

A bit about jealousy

Update is up! Check out the newest page of the comic: http://kokoheartu.frillypink.com/comic/entry-1-rain-pg-4/

I wanted to talk a bit about jealousy today. Of my top 10 questions about the lifestyle, “How do you deal with jealousy?” is definitely one.

In polyamorous and even open relationships, jealousy can mean the end for a relationship. Academically, there are two distinct terms that are used regarding this particularly sensitive emotion - envy and jealousy. Envy is when you see someone else with someone that you feel you lack, be it an item, or positive trait or a person whose attention you desire. We covet what we don’t have. Jealousy is our gut feeling when we feel like what we have is being threatened. Someone wants your shiny because they want it and you want to keep it, protect it, and most times, you are willing to fight for it.

I have described fear as a serpent that coils around you and threatens to squeeze the life from you. To me, jealousy can also be that same serpent but ends up manifesting as a dragon. We fear we will lose someone we love to some valiant knight or supple young maiden. Sometimes, we would rather burn what we have than lose it someone else. Our fear of losing the thing we love often makes us hurt the object of our affection, and we lose it anyway.

And it makes us feel like shit. So how do we deal with it? How do we not feel jealous?

The short answer is that we don’t.

The long answer is that we address the things that make us feel like less worthy of retaining the love that we have and want.

Let’s cut out all of the bullshit.

Strip away the other people entirely. The person you think is a threat and even the person you love. Let’s just look at ourselves for a moment. No one can make you feel anyway that you don’t let them. So why do we feel this way?

This brings us back to envy. If you are afraid of losing someone to another person, why? If you come back with the answer that they are: younger, more attractive, or more affluent, then it means you are envious. The answer has more to do with you being insecure about yourself than anyone else, this feeling will not go away until you learn to love yourself.

Let’s go further. Do you trust that your relationship is strong enough to withstand the existence or presence of another person? If your answer is no, then you really should not be attempting polyamory or open or swinging. There has to be trust in your partner and faith in the strength of your relationship or else this will not work.

Jealousy is rooted in our fear and insecurities.

Fear comes in and tells us that we aren’t good enough, so we will lose everything we love. In the end that we will be alone. All of our hopes and dreams will be scattered like ashes on the wind.

It’s all a pile of bullshit, lies we nurse because we have been taught that we lose something by letting our partner have their freedom. Lies that tell us that by engaging in this sort of lifestyle that our relationships with our primary are not worthwhile or valuable because we are willing to do things apart from them.

In a normal monogamous relationship, do you do everything with that partner? I mean, everything? Do you both have exactly the same hobbies, interests, and friends? Do you fully engage in everything that they do? Is there some hour of the day that you aren’t with your partner?

Typically, people spend time apart even in a happy and fulfilling monogamous relationship. People have other friends, hobbies, and places of work. Being apart does not lessen the affection or devotion you have for your partner. Loving your family, children or friends does not diminish the love you have for your partner.

When I felt jealous or inadequate, I looked at myself and asked why? I found in myself that I was insecure about my looks. I felt like attention devoted to pursuing someone else was a threat to me. But I thought about it. Was it really? You have to invest time to have a relationship with anyone, especially a new one. When I realized that I was afraid of not getting the same quality time, we made it a point to not take out time together for granted and scheduled time for us as well as for other people.

We take our time together for granted since we love each other and live together. I found by talking we had different definitions of quality time that were only revealed because I talked to Shep about my insecurities. But once I did, I stopped feeling inadequate. I stopped feeling jealous for the most part. I have faith that at the end of the day my husband will always come home to me. It's been 17 years, I have not been disappointed yet. <3

So while those doubts may never go away, I don't have to let that fear, that doubt rule me or make my life hell. I acknowledge it and move on with my life. If I have a  question about how Shep is feeling about something or me, I ask. I can only work on the things that I can control. If I don't like my clothes, I can buy new ones. I feel out of shape, I can go do some push-ups or run. I can improve myself for myself. I can't do it for anyone but me. I have to love myself before anyone else can be expected to and even that is a developing process.

Return of Love.

It's been what feels like forever! Just a short update to get everyone back to speed. This project will be returning but slightly different. I'm partnering with a few friends to create Koko <3 U! In hentai comic format!

Check it out at http://kokoheartu.frillypink.com/ . Definitely Not Safe for work but click responsibly.

If you like to help fund the project to make comic pages materialize faster, then please follow the link and donate to the next issue.

Koko <3 U! Was originally a relationship blog talking about the trials and adventures of Kokoro and her others as they embarked on a journey to find polyamory love. As a comic, we'll still touch on that but some aspects will be more heavily altered.

In a sense, it'll be touch like Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden" with fantasies but there will be some dramatizations of some real life events. Just how much is truth and how much is fiction will be up to you to decide.

Names, descriptions and such will be altered to protect the not so innocent but I'd rather not be sued. Much <3! I'm excited to be back. Shep and I have so many stories to share. ;) Many thanks to my artistic partners at Pink Panties Productions for wanting to help me get this rolling. Stay tuned!

~ Koko

<3 You!