The Beginning Part 3

Before I continue, just a reminder that the newest page of the comic is up at http://kokoheartu.frillypink.com/

Entry 1, "Rain" sketch preview.

The Beginning Part 3 

I had the notion that because I was his little sister’s friend that Shep would not be interested in me. I was afraid that he would see me as immature the longer we spent time alone with him. I prepared for my first date with Shep full of apprehension. 

The serpent called doubt had thrown its coils around me and tightened as I wondered if Shep had only said “yes” because he felt sorry for me. It was a sob story, I had JUST gotten out of the hospital and my boyfriend had unceremoniously dumped me. Was this just a pity date?

I had dressed and undressed about six times before I finally settled on an outfit that was more me than cute or sexy. I wanted him to take me seriously and to you know, like me. It might have been too low key, just shorts and a fitted Slayer t- shirt, but it was genuinely me.

I paced and fidgeted when eventually sat down on my couch as I waited for Shep to arrive. I thought about driving to meet him at the restaurant but it wasn’t like it was some blind date, I knew the guy for about a year and he was my friend. The idea of driving with him wasn’t all that bad. But I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep a serious conversation with him.

Shep showed up a little bit early and we just started talking. I was foolish to have felt so worried. We lost track of time and got a good sense of each other. The conversation carried itself. I am not ashamed to say that we didn’t make it out of the house. It was a steamy beginning to the relationship.

Both of us had been badly hurt and we skirted around using the “love” word. People throw that word around too casually without meaning it to manipulate people into doing what they want. I’ve known guys to drop the “love bomb” to get girls to open their legs and girls to get guys to open their wallets. Or to excuse abusive behavior.

“I only get so upset because I love you so much.”

It’s a goddamn lie.

I swore I would never use that word again unless I meant it.

A year of dating Shep later, probably sooner, I felt it, I was certain that I loved him. I didn’t want to say it unless I was certain. Sam made me question the validity of my feelings, did I ever truly love Sam? I said that I did. I thought that I did. But was it really?

Some people say that you can only love one person, ever. That’s how monogamy is supposed to work. You pick one person to be your shiniest lunchbox, marry them, and that’s it. That’s your one true love, your soulmate. But how do you know when that person is “the one”?

I think determining when what you feel is real is one of the hardest things that you can do. Truth is easily the act of simply being. We know we are alive because we are. We can quantify the minutiae of each moment to validate it: we draw air into our lungs; we can close our eyes and listen to our heart beat, and feel its pulse beneath warm skin- we are alive without saying that we are. Is love truly different?

To quantify it, being in love is like having an addiction. You live for the moment you are with that person and it hurts to be apart. You wait for your next fix- another kiss, another brush of warm fingers against yours, or sometimes, just the sound of their voice over the phone is enough. You can’t imagine your life without them, you just need them, want them to be with you always.

I had never thought about marriage. I never planned my dream wedding. I think the closest I got was putting a Barbie into a wedding dress that my grandma had made for me. So when Shep proposed to me, I was dumbstruck. I said yes but I had absolutely no clue of what to do afterwards.

Luckily, I guess, my mother, Dawn and Tammy took charge and forced me through the whole process of being a bride. I just wanted to be married. My mom wanted this big ceremony, so she planned it and interjected my handful of demands. 

A few months later, we were married. I never imagined our marriage would be anything but monogamous. Things did not evolve until Shep and I had our seventh anniversary as husband and wife...

To be continued in part 4

The Beginning Part 2

As bad as it was for me, mentally and emotionally. I held onto that relationship. It was one sided in effort but Sam had told me that he loved me and I took that seriously. I wanted it to work. I really did but I was struggling to get him away from the computer and away from April and Holly so I could just be with him.

It all came to a head when I had a breakdown. I was admitted to an inpatient ward. I needed help. I needed something to change. The medication that I was being prescribed wasn’t working and my doctor wasn’t much help. I sat in group and art therapy in an attempt to figure out what it was that I actually felt beside raw. My nerves were on fire. I felt like I had clawed my arms to pieces but there was still skin left to destroy. But as I sat in those sterile white rooms in pajamas and listened to the other people, I realized, that I didn’t belong there.

I knew I was sick. I knew that I needed help. I had come into the ward voluntarily. The others were there because they had actionable problems- they were suicidal, homicidal, needed rehabilitation from drug addictions. In the face of someone whose arms were covered from shoulder to wrist in cut scars, my problems were trivial. I had issues sure, but I didn’t want to stop living. I cared too much about my family to do it. I needed help and the doctors told me that they couldn’t help me. They adjusted my prescription for antidepressants, told me to come in to talk to a counselor to refill my medication. That’s all they could do for me, I was unwell, but I would be fine without them unless I was likely to actually hurt myself.

I am grateful for the perspective. But I was upset because I had been deemed unworthy of help because I was actively trying to get better. I wanted to feel like i had value again. I wanted to feel… wanted.

There is this one thing we learned in group therapy that I still reflect on. I still have the piece of paper they handed me. They called it the “Stages of Recovery” and asked us where we thought we were on it. It is as follows:

“Stage 1:

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Stage 2:

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Stage 3:

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in...it's a habit...but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Stage 4:

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Stage 5:

I walk down a different street.”

When I was in the hospital I had said I was at Stage 3. I was aware I was in the hole and it was my fault. I hadn’t gotten out of it but I knew why I was there. It was this fact that alienated me from the others in therapy. I recognized that I had the ability to heal myself. I just needed to get out of the damn hole.

Then I got the phone call. Holly called to tell me that she had taken Sam out on a date and slept with him, but she laughed and asked if I minded since we weren’t dating any more. I almost snapped my phone in half. This was a revelation to me. Sam had said we weren’t dating? Why hadn’t anyone, especially Sam told me that it was over?

I said something like, “I guess not.” And hung up. I was reeling. My friend had just laughed at my feelings. Sam hadn’t bothered to get hold of me when I was in the hospital. I did have missed calls from work, Dawn, Tammy, and Lisa. They cared that much, at least. I sat in the dark for a while after Holly’s call. I was angry, dejected and a little bit relieved.

I was free. No more World of Warcraft. No more all day raids. I could never log in and be done with it. If he had written me off enough to fuck someone else, and not actually tell me we had broken up, then fuck him. Holly could have him. I didn’t need him. I felt worthless since I wasn’t even worth a break-up text.

It took me a little while sitting alone in my room to figure out what to do next, after I snapped my game disk and uninstalled that damn game from my computer. My mom came by with cookies and a smile to see how I was doing post hospital and I just couldn’t hide it. I told her what happened with Sam. Mom told me that he was a jerk and suggested that I ask Shep out. He was a nice guy and a member (technically) of the same church, I was friends with him so why not? After my mom left and we had our fill of sugar and teary chatter, my phone rang.

It was Shep, it had gotten through the rumor mill of the church that I had been in the hospital and he was checking in on me. He had never called me before. It must have been providence. The timing of that call was too perfect. I asked Shep if he wanted to go to a movie with me and he accepted. I was never so happy for someone to say “yes”.

To be continued in Beginning Part 3!