Sunday, October 28, 2018

Love and distance

I remember being told that "long distance relationships will never work". That once distance is a factor that people will forget you and will do nothing but break your heart. I argue that this isn't always true. Nothing in this work is ever so black and white. Not every time you are apart from your partner will they stop thinking of you for the sake of another.

I'm sure this I where the fact that I am in a polyamorous relationship would garner cries of "your relationship is different, you don't have the same fears of being forgotten". Which also isn't true. There is large amount of trust that goes into any relationship, distance isn't a factor. Some people do not trust their partner's fancy to stray from their side if they go to the store without them, while others consider a few days apart suspect.

The success of a long distance relationship has more to do with mutual interest in making the relationship succeed and mutual trust between the people in the relationship. In my own experience, I have found that my "close friends" that are telling me that the relationship will fail are the ones trying to make it fail. They are trying to instill fragments of doubt to make me distance myself from the person I am with and make me stray. They come up with cute little sayings to justify cheating on your partner.

"It's not cheating if it's eating."
"It's not cheating if there's another zipcode involved."
"What they don't know, won't hurt them."
"It's just one night, what's the big deal?"

These people are the ones that need to get out of your life. They have no interest in your well-being and are only interested in having sex with you. They are doing it dishonestly by feigning interest in your well-being and feelings. They are instilling doubt to make you make that choice and alleviate them of any responsibility of what they are doing.

"I never forced you to do that."
"You are the one that came onto me."

Being alone and heartsick while someone you love is a world away is a very vulnerable time. You need to be strong and have faith in your relationship. Faith is something you can't touch, it's a feeling. You can't let people fill you with doubt that your relationship won't work. Have faith in your partner and in what you feel.

It's true, some relationships don't always work. Sometimes, it's through outside interference. The strength of your feelings just weren't enough to overcome the challenges of distance and while it might hurt, that's okay too. You have to know what you want out of a relationship. If you need someone nearby that you can spend most of your time with, then a long distance relationship isn't for you.

Communication is the most important thing in any relationship. In a long distance relationship, it's all you have. You have to be willing to initiate contact and keep it going. I remember a time where I wrote physical letters and waited for a phone call at my house because I didn't have a cellphone. Emails weren't an option a few years ago.

I can't open my phone without finding a dozen ways to stay in touch with any one person. Facebook, Twitter, instragram, snapchat, Line, Scout, Discord and all forms of email. There really is little excuse for not being able to stay in touch with someone you care about. There are some circumstances that may be beyond anyone's control, time zones, limited internet access but there are many ways to stay in touch, you just have to be willing to put forth the effort.

As someone in a relationship that has survived time and distance apart before being polyamorous was an option, I know it can work. =) Just don't give up. Send the people you love an email or facebook message or call them, they love hearing from you.

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